A Modest Proposal
Keith Nightingale
Basic Concept: Create an Infantry strike force composed of personnel over 65.
Presently, DOD believes that this age group is well beyond combat qualified or capable. Even a cursory examination of the issue would reveal the folly of the opposition. In fact, whoever holds that idea has no real understanding of the qualities that such demographic pool possesses to fight for the Nation.
Consider this;
Studies indicate that the desired age group for military service thinks about sex every 10 seconds. This is highly disruptive to the necessary focus on the battlefield. Geriatrics only get “active” a couple of times each month. This is a huge saving in time that can now be devoted to killing bad guys.
The youth demographic doesn’t get cranky or irritated in the flash of seconds that old folks constantly demonstrate. A cranky Grunt is a dangerous killing machine on the battlefield. No room for mellow and disengaged personalities in a combat environment. Officers will have to expend considerably less time in motivating their troops. The old guys will clamor to engage the enemy, kill them and go home to the Barcalounger.
The youngsters constantly whine and moan as to their state-- 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry. This is so icky. You want me to eat that? Is this organic and non-GBH?' Boo Hoo. Old folks are by nature, bad-tempered and impatient and literally drool at the possibility of killing some really bad guys that deserve it. Then they will feel lots better and write less inflammatory letters to their Congressman.
Anyone who has raised kids knows that teenagers hate to get up before noon. Old folks arise early to pee, recognize that they are awake and begin to take on the day. This approach provides DOD with a much larger envelope of Grunt engagement time. Besides, the early get up is highly irritating and that places the bad guys in a very disadvantageous situation.
In a worst case scenario, if captured, Geezer Grunts won’t reveal any national secrets as they can’t remember them much less if they ever knew any. The standard name, rank and serial number may be bridgework too far.
Basic induction training would be a snap for the old folks. They have experienced a lifetime of being yelled at by their significant others-water off a ducks back.
The mess hall would no longer be an object of derision-old folks are used to soft, mushy, bland presentations in insufficient quantities.
Geezer Grunts are highly experienced from the moment of induction with guns. They have been using them for decades as an excuse to get out of the house and the Honey Do list.
I would suggest that the obstacle course be significantly revamped. Old soldiers have never encountered a log wall with a rope and water-filled ditch in combat. In the same vein, pushups are never part of a small unit METL-there must be a reason.
Concurrently, this running business really needs to be re-looked. No soldier ever ran faster than a bullet.
Teenagers require too much attention from Drill Sergeants. Present inductees have their whole world ahead of them. They are still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl or understand the concept of uniform clothing. They have major issues with the idea that a baseball cap is used to shade the face, not the neck.
We will be doing a great national service by saving the younger set before sending them off into harm's way in our footsteps. This will also insure a steady supply of minimum wage applicants necessary to buttress our service-based economy.
By employing Geezer Grunts, the nation gains a huge advantage over any foe. The last thing bad guys want to see is a horde of well-armed, proficient old guys with bad attitudes and ample ammo. Besides, Geezer Grunts know their best years are behind them and will commonly want to go out with a bang…….in fact, several of them.
The issues of sexual harassment and homophobia will be drastically curtailed. Between guilt, low testosterone, functional inability and myopia, both the fairer sex and the LGBT uniforms will benefit from the characteristics of the new demographic.
Should DOD discover that old guys have major advantages over the young on a battlefield, consider what a force multiplier would exist if it incorporated females of the same age. DOD would quickly learn what attitude is.
Just some points to ponder as the Defense Bill moves to completion.